the grey snow thaws

February 8, 2014 at 10:41 am | Posted in musings, not bloody music | 8 Comments
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anne, thomas and rob, christmas 2013

Regular readers will be aware that I suffer with depression, and have done for a long while – my first diagnosis and prescription for anti-depressants was in 1997.  Though I remain ‘high-functioning’ most of the time and have never been hospitalized, it disables me for periods of three to six months every now and then, often as the seasons change and the light fades.  I have written a great deal about my symptoms, my treatment and my thoughts about the disease on this blog and the interested reader can click on the ‘depression’ tag above for more.

Today, though, I’m in a quietly celebratory mood.  This episode, which began last November and has been sharp, deep and distressing, has eased to the point where I am fit enough to begin a ‘phased return’ to work – meaning I turn up and grin in a spaced-out manner for a couple of mornings then build up to full hours and responsibilities over a number of weeks.  It is a welcome return to normality.

I am also self-managing a phased return to my emotional life.  One of the most gruelling symptoms of depression is anhedonia – a fall of grey snow that muffles and deadens experience making it impossible to enjoy anything.  Social interaction is meaningless, food is just pre-shit, nothing matters.  On Monday 3rd February a gift from my baby son Thomas showed me, definitively, that the ice was melting.

His present to me was an afternoon playing on and around the living room sofa.  He babbled and chuntered in his own language, chuckled at my attempts to bark like the dog pictured in his board book, chewed on the remote controls – delighting whenever he managed to change the channel to static (his favourite programme – that’s my boy!).  He would lift my t-shirt in order to poke a finger into my navel or, ninja quick, get his hand in my mouth whenever I laughed.

I found myself to be perfectly happy.  It is state I have been fortunate enough to experience many times in different contexts though rarely have I been conscious of it at the time it happened.  Usually events are retrospectively categorized as ‘best ever’ but so joyous, so content was I that I found myself thinking: ‘this could not be more beautiful.’  Describing the scene to my wife Anne later reduced me to tears of grateful relief: I can feel again!  At the risk of making myself sound even more ridiculous than usual, it felt as close as I’ve ever got to ‘the meaning of life’.

OK, enough of that.

Many thanks to those of you that have offered kind words and support during this latest ordeal.  As ever, it means a huge amount to me.  Fuck this disease – I love you all.

8 Comments »

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  1. Word up Rob, love to you and your family. Still the best thing on t’internet by a long way x

    • Cheers Luke, all flattery gratefully received, love to Clan Vollar too. R x

  2. Love you right back Rob 😉 x

  3. Great news and I am very glad you find your way back that way!!! Total support man!

  4. keep on, keepin’ on


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